birthdays

This October marked my 39th birthday.
As I took my impossibly long and hot birthday shower a song came on that I had not really heard before.  I have my iPod and Bose in the bathroom (that's a whole 'nother post) and I had selected a compilation of greatest hits by Cat Stevens to listen to for the occasion.   Now this is MY iPod but truth be told I have plugged it into many a friends computer and downloaded some of their favourites so it is not unusual that something I have not heard before comes out of the speakers.  Following one of my anthems "Peace Train" these lyrics were put forth for my consideration on this day of reflection- 

Oh I can't keep it in, I can't keep it in, I've gotta let it out.
I've got to show the world, world's got to see, see all the love
love that's in me. I said, why walk alone, why worry when it's
warm over here. You've got so much to say, say what you mean,
mean what you're thinking, and think anything.
Oh why, why must you waste you're life away,
you've got to live for today, then let it go.....

It stopped me.  I realized at that moment that I had been keeping it in.  I remember the time when I decided that my own happiness was far more important than saving the world.  I grew up constantly expressing how I wanted to change things.  I felt every injustice with all of my being, most especially when it pertained to Nature/Gaia.  I would ache when I saw a the aftermath of a clear cut piece of wilderness.  I would cry when faced with the reality that everyone I knew was wasteful with our precious water.  I grew desperate and in the end all I wanted was for the hurting to stop so I made the decision to stop talking about these matters. To stop trying to convince others to care as much as I did.  I put up those walls around my feelings and adopted the mantra "you can't control the actions of others".   I chatted about this attitude shift with my good friend Liz.  She has chosen to be an organic farmer, there is no one I know who works harder.  Liz did not make the same decision I did.  Instead she is vocal about her ideals at every social gathering, her actions and lifestyle reflect her love for the Earth and it's inhabitants.  Why Worry she asked, just do what you can.  That is exactly what I have done.  Anyone who knows me would tell you that I live the famous Gandhi quote "be the change you wish to see in the world" and by adopting that strategy I have been able to save my own sanity.  I would simply shrug my shoulders and repeat "all I can do is provide a good example", to allow my actions and lifestyle to speak for my beliefs.  
Then a song, written before I was born, reached out to me and slapped me upside the head.  Why would I continue to keep it in?  Why wouldn't I let all of this love out for the world to see?  The girl who gave public speeches about water conservation and AIDS discrimination, why was she silent now?  As I let the wise man's lyrics wash over and through my brain I realized that that I had to let it out. That if I didn't speak up and fight that I was simply keeping all of this passion to myself.   I decided during those 3 minutes of musical enchantment that I would now instead use my voice as often as possible.  I asked the universe for a path that would take all of my acquired skills and combine it with my energy to promote change.  To no longer just be the change but promote the change.  To step away from silence and into the spot light.  
One month later the path revealed itself.  
It is a new path, not the old one of pushing hot air through my vocal chords but instead one that speaks with the power of imagery.   To marry art and science in hopes of reaching into your heart and making that call to let it out....  to feel that interconnectedness with all things. 

It is going to be a great year.